Best News I Could Hope For!!

Some of the personal advice that Pema Chodron gave me last weekend was "Don't escalate!" She meant not to spin scenarios in your head worrying about what might be or happen. She promotes living in the moment and approaching each experience with an open mind and kind heart. Well, I certainly had to practice that since my scans of last Friday and her advice proved so true.

Becca and I saw my oncologist today and he seemed rather subdued when he came to see us so Becca and I expected bad news. But what he wanted to advise us to do was just what I wanted. My melanoma seems to be stabilized...no new tumors and the ones that remain don't seem to be growing very fast. My blood tests also showed that my liver and pancreas have fully recovered. So he wanted to just to hold off on any more treatment , to let my body recover, and to rescan in two months. Terrific plan as far as I am concerned!!!

No photos please

Made it through the Mohs surgery today on my nose and lip. The worst part was the administering of the anesthetic. My body cleared it so fast that they had to keep giving me more and more and that was very painful. Only had to have two rounds to get everything and no skin grafts so that was good. I hurt like heck from all the needle pricks right after we got home but now the pain is down to a manageable dull roar. Kai is now terrified of her granny in her funny bandages and won't let me near her.

Tomorrow I meet with the oncologist to find out the results of the PET/CT scans and to plan any future treatments.

Hard to Believe

Well, two weeks ago, I would never imagined it would be possible for me to get back on the golf course. BUT the rains held off today and I went out with my friend Patty and played 9 holes. I was amazed that after three month and as sick as I was, that I could hit the ball well. Didn't keep score but had some lovely shots and scored a 6 after 5 good shots on a long par 5. I was very tired when I was through but what a boost to my morale! May pay for it tomorrow but it was well worth it.

Still sorting through all I learned and the emotions from last weekend. Will be a work in process as I integrate Pema's teachings into my life.

SMILE at Fear: A Life-affirming Weekend

Ten years ago when I was so ill and my husband, Stefan, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, my sister-in-law, Laura, send me the book When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. In the 1970s, I had dabbled with Buddhist and Zen teachings and meditation practices and found the teachings very foreign and the meditation practices difficult to do. So I decided that was not for me.

Pema's writings changed all that because she has the gift of translating obscure Buddhist teachings into everyday western English.Since that time, I have read most of her others books. In addition to When Things Fall Apart, my favorites are Start Where You Are, The Places that Scare You, and Comfortable with Uncertainty. I need to add to the list her newest book: Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears (which may be her best in terms of practical advice that you can do everyday). (Side note: Pema was born Diedre Blumfield-Brown)

My friend Phyllis Lefohn (who lives in Montana and is a Quigong teacher) and I have talked again and again of going to one of Pema's retreats at her Gampo Abbey in Nova Scotia, but we just couldn't find a time to make it happen. From many things that have happened to me and for me in the last few years, I am certainly beginning to believe that things happen for a reason if you are open and present in the moment. Last April, I opened a Shambala magazine that a friend had given me in a stack of magazines that she had finished, and there was an ad for a meditation weekend with Pema Chodron in Richmond California. I called Phyl immediately to say that I was going to go and could she join me. It just so happened that she had a wedding in San Francisco the week before and she said "Yes". I signed us up immediately. Good thing I did as it was sold out in one week with 3,000 people attending (and another 2,000 from all over the world listening online).

When I was on the BRAF drug and so sick, I didn't think that there was any way that I was going to be able to make the weekend. But with help from the organizers of the conference in arranging for special seating and access, I was able to participate in the entire weekend. The organizers of the weekend (all volunteers) did the best they could with the venue and number of attendees and there were parts of the workshop that didn't work well. BUT the times with Pema were magical.

I could spend pages telling you what I learned and how putting these tools into practice will make such a difference in how I live whatever life I have remaining. The theme of the workshop was SMILE at Fear. Pema acknowledges that fearlessness is a lofty goal, but the starting point is getting to know our fears. Fears cause us to shut down, to run away, to begin harmful habits, or to spin imagined, and often exaggerated, story lines of future occurrences. This workshop presented techniques that allow one to stay present when things trigger fear in us, and to touch the fear instead of running from it. Pema discussed ways to approach situations with no predetermined or fixed ideas but with curiosity, interest, and an open mind. Most of all, she advocates living a genuine life filled with unconditional friendship and kindness toward oneself and others.

I hope those of you who want to know more will contact me and we can have lunch or tea or can chat over email. If you would like to experience everything that Pema said, DVDs and CDs of all her talks at the workshop are being produced and are going to be available to order after Nov 1 at www.pemachodrontapes.com.

LOVE WHAT IS...

Getting in the Halloween Spirit

Just a quick note to let you all know that the first of my three surgeries for squamous cell carcinoma went well. They took a fairly large chunk out of my left arm, but luckily it doesn't hurt very much and neither grandchild bumped into it while I was there.

After the surgery on Monday, I was able to spent a wonderful day with my son Jon (who had the day off from work) and his son Dash. We went to the zoo where Dash was more interested in stomping in puddles, putting things through holes and playing in the sandbox than seeing the animals. We did get the treat of being right at the tiger cage when they were roaring....Quite impressive. Jon and I had two hours just to sit on the porch and talk while Dash was sleeping. It was such a rare treat to have Jon to myself and our conversation was deep and meaningful. I spent some time showing Jon my meditation practice as he wants to incorporate meditation into his daily practice.

Saw my oncologist who was very positive in his support of my decision to stop the drug. Had to have lots of blood test to see if my liver is improving and to eliminate pancreatitis. We put together a plan for the months ahead that I am very comfortable with.

Each day I am getting a little stronger. I have been reading some books by Sylvia Bornstein and loved this quote from her: One reality I can create---the point of view that I bring to every experience.

Not to Worry...

Just wanted to let everyone know that my posts for the next few weeks may be spotty, but that does not mean that I have taken a turn for the worst (I or my kids will certainly let you know that). I just may not have time to get to a computer to make a post...but I will try and share my experiences with you

Miracles do happen...

It seems like a miracle to feel more like myself again. What a forceful reminder to appreciate the everyday things like having enough energy to get out of bed or to talk with a friend or enjoying the taste of a good cup of coffee. I know I am getting better because I can drink coffee again! I am feeling a bit stronger each day. My face is still a mess but the rest of my skin seems to be recovering and my bones are not aching as much. Now I need to start building up my stamina again.

Have a lovely weekend, everyone!!

(The photo was taken by Stefan in our backyard)

Feeling Better - YEA!!!

Hi all!! So sorry I haven't posted in a few days. I was away for the weekend with four long-time friends in my women in science supper group. Each fall a many of us that can go to SunRiver Resort near Bend to Ann Brodie's house. We spend two days eating great food and hiking in the mountains. I couldn't hike this year, but did go and enjoy the wonderful company, laughter, and great food. While the others were hiking, I slept or read on the deck. Found it exhausting but very good for my morale.

I am happy to say that I am feeling a little less fatigued each day. I am hoping that in the coming weeks that I will get enough strength back that I can resume most of my usual activities.

I now have my surgeries all scheduled for the month of October. They will do my arm next Monday and the two on my face the end of the month.

I was really worried that I was not going to be well enough to go to the Pema Chodron retreat on Oct 16 and 17 but now it looks like I will be able to go and to enjoy the workshop.